Michael vs. Becoming Increasingly Inarticulate
Dear Internet,Hi, I'm Mike.
I'm starting a blog because I have a problem, and although I may be too far gone to save, I can at least try to slow down what is happening to me.
At some point in my recent life, I became dumber. I blame my brain (as usual), because after years of learning pop culture trivia and forgetting math, it should have known this day was coming and put me into a coma until I read a goddamn science textbook or something. We have receptors for pain and hunger, and yet we can become idiots without a single peep from our bodies in protest. Like most pervasive conditions, there is no cure for my slow backslide into stupidity, just treatment. Hopefully I can live a full, happy life despite all this. For the sake of awareness, I'll go over a few methods of early detection to help you avoid my fate.
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| As always, Jim Carrey is the exception proving the rule. |
Are you using ironic joke phrases unintentionally?
I remember the first time I ever said "I KNOW, right?!" as a response to someone's opinion. I adopted the exaggerated emphasis and slight Valley Girl edge that I assumed that kind of enthusiastic-but-empty phrase should have, and we all had a good laugh. I started to do it more and more, because jokes are hilarious. Suddenly, it was out of my control. I wanted to contribute in a meaningful fashion, but the words were out of my face before my brain could even begin constructing a response.
Act I, Scene i
PERSON OF WORTH TO SOCIETY: I find it both inspiring and disheartening that we Canadians seem so knowledgeable of the American election season, yet apathetic towards our own. How will we ever bring about the change this country so desperately needs if we continue to feed our inferiority complex towards the United States?
MIKE: I know, right?
[End of play]
It has become a vocal tic, a space filler while my brain does its stuff. Except unlike traditional vocal stalling techniques (or "Conversational Loading Screens," as no one ever calls them), it completely brings that part of the discussion to a close. As inelegant as "Ummmm" or "Like" sound, they indicate that you are going to probably contribute something greater. Those habits are the equivalent of throwing some change at the cashier while you look for your bills; it's a promise of better things. But "I know, right?" is it. It's the equivalent of dropping your mic and walking offstage. There is no building upon it, or an elegant way to dovetail into a grander exploration of themes. That's why a very small amount of peer-reviewed academic journals accept "I know right? Therefore..." as a suitable way to state your thesis. But wait: it gets worse.
Are you using internet phrases in real life?
A brief selection of popular internet phrases, how they sound when pronounced, and how they make others interpret your thoughts and emotions.
LOL
(Pronunciation: lah-luhl, laaaaaaahl, low-luh)
What you're saying: "This is funny, but not worth an actual laugh! Also, I have been on the internet!"
What you're saying: "After extended exposure to meme-based humour, I have forgotten what it is to truly laugh. My life is a joyless hell. Hear my cries, and rescue me. Release me from this cycle of undeath."
Anything related to "feels"
(Pronunciation: fee-luzz, fee-uhls)
What you're saying: "This is generating an emotional response beyond what I prepared for!"
What you're saying: "I have transcended your binary ideas of emotion. Happy? Sad? I am tapping into the very core of feelings...directly into the feels. So much beauty, impossible to explain. Like tears in the rain."
Cutting onions
(Pronunciation: A-bloo bloo bluh bloo bloo)
What you're saying: "This is generating an emotional response beyond what I prepared for! Dude version!"
What you're saying: "I cannot reconcile my idea of what makes a man with my apparent ability to cry, so I'm going to make a lame joke. And you BETTER go along with it, or else I'll...well, I'll..." [sobs]
Meh
(Pronunciation: The exact sound of a turd hitting toilet water)
What you're saying: "What you have presented to me is so bland, I can barely be bothered to remark."
What you're saying: "I am so bland, I can barely be bothered to remark."
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| What makes a good man say meh? Lust for gold? Power? |
Insisting that someone "Tweet that"
(Pronunciation: Validate my life!)
What you're saying: "What a wonderful exchange! Surely, more could benefit from this knowledge?"
What you're saying: "I require immediate, public proof that I am both exciting and active. Without this, I am nothing. Now quick: pose for my new profile pic!"
Are you getting less and less specific with your words?
As a writer (see: drunk), I believe that word choice matters, like, a lot. I think that having a robust vocabulary is fun and funny, but I'm also extremely unpopular, so there you go. Either way, try keeping track of how many times you use broad, amorphous, nothing-words like "thing" and "the guy" when you mean "a blood-stained crab hammer" and "the muttering man with the sunken eyes." Being specific can only help everyone get where they're going faster, so make it count. To demonstrate my point, I'm going to take a famous inspirational quote, and make it significantly less specific.
I wanna do the thing, like those guys weren't.
It's weak, vague, and kind of depresses me. Let's insert the original words to see what changed.
I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was. - Pope John Paul II
Much better! This habit is often paired with today's final indicator of an increased chance to accidentally drool on your own shirt:
Are you using cuss words to fill the gaps in your sentences?
Let's get this out of the way: swearing is awesome, and should be encouraged.
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| COCK-ASS! |
However, swearing is like punctuation. It can give the reader a guide on when to pause, hold, or call someone a fucking fuck, but everyone hates to see it misused. If you jumped on the bandwagon of ending every sentence with an ellipsis, guess what? I probably hate you. There is no reason to end your declarative statements with a hesitant digression unless you're Anakin Skywalker or the Black asthmatic kid from Malcolm in the Middle. (POP CULTURE REFERENCE QUOTA ACHIEVED)
Just like the ellipsis can be abused, so can the noble cuss word. It's such a fine line, too. Shock is a cheap form of humour to cultivate, and barking out a cuss word in the middle of a sentence is an easy way to get an awkward laugh or two. But you're better than that. I'm better than that. And the noble history of the word "fuck" is better than that.
Moral of the story:
Conversations with friends should not be a race,
Choose your words wisely or you'll fall on your face.
Cussing and meme jokes are all good fun,
Talking like the internet will make you dumb.
xoxo,
@Sholarsenal
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